Sunday, March 16, 2008

Too busy to sh*t on today

Since Thursday the switch on my life seems to be alternating between really freakin' busy and off. This is probably better than the alternatives, which leave me time to think.

Friday was the worst. I went in an hour early because the wheelchair guy, Sid, was coming to fix the arm height.

I wound up staying an hour late. There was a lot of stuff to do and someone was on vacation. The real problem, though, was that someone asked me to do a chart for her, but did not send the data when she said she would. I break my back for people at work; sometimes I think I am stupid as he…

I also had a run-in with the automatic soap dispensers in the bathroom at work. Sid ordered some stuff for my chair to enable me to wheel under things like sinks, but I still can't. He said it should come this week. Unable to wheel under and wash my hands, I lean over and grab the soap dispenser to steady myself in a very unnatural position. This turns on the dispenser and it flings a glob of soap down into the sink, usually not where my hand is and once where my sleeve was.

Since I was so late at work Friday, I went to Mom and Dad's for the night. After a quick dinner, I slept pretty much 12 hours straight, got up for about three hours – enough to have breakfast and lunch and be called "Uncle Lazy Bones" by my nephew and niece – then took a two-hour nap, went home, stayed up till 9 and went to bed.

I did have time to share with a friend my latest theory on why I have been feeling crummy lately. I told her that I am basically a coward. Things are so much better in my life than they were 10 or even five years ago – not disability-wise but life-wise. But they still are not as good as I want them to be. I am, however, scared of making a misstep now that will plunge me back to the 5- or 10-year-ago me.

What she told me is going to stick in my mind forever because it is such a gross image: "If you have one foot in yesterday, and one foot in tomorrow, you shit all over today."

She's right, of course. Most of my worries are stupid. I know that. But I am in a place of modest comfort now, and who wants to jeopardize things when you are even just modestly comfortable? I am hoping that this new house slaps me out of my distress, but I am not counting on that being built until the end of next year.

I guess the answer is just to stay busy. Maybe I should thank the woman who hosed me with that chart data?

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