Sunday, April 13, 2008

What a drag it is getting old

I realized recently that I am in my late 30s.

I figured this because a decade has 10 years and dividing it into early, middle and late makes each third 3 1/3. So the switch from middle to late occurs at 6 2/3 years in the decade. For me that was about March 29.

I suggested to a friend at work that my snazzy new wheelchair might be the equivalent of a sports car for able-bodied men going through a midlife crisis. I didn't tell her that according to pamphlets on Friedreich's ataxia I am on the downside of life (not that I am going to stand for that shit).

My friend laughed and told me that maybe I could find a younger babe. I assume she meant younger than me because I do not have a current babe to trade in on a younger one.

I did tell her I didn't think trophy wives were for my kind of thing … unless they were really hot. She laughed again, which is one reason I like her -- she finds me funny -– and told me it was good to have standards.

I may not need standards, it turns out.

Pulitzer Prize-winning writer Gene Weingarten writes today about an article in the Atlantic Monthly that advises women to settle for a decent guy, not Mr. Right as they get older.

Now Gene suggests that this might not be the worst thing in the world as far as his male readers are concerned. As a successful 30-something (albeit late 30s) straight and single man, I initially was right there with Gene's readers.

As I read the Atlantic article, though, I started feeling kind of bad. I don't want some woman just settling for me because, say, I provide a second income.

Then I started feeling worse because the women are encouraged to settle so they can have help putting kids to bed, changing diapers, etc. FA does not make those things easy. I guess I could change a diaper if no pins were involved and I didn't mind taking a shower afterward because I suspect I would be a full-contact diaper changer. But I might need almost as much help as I provide, so the settling woman might be out of the question.

To sum up, then: I got a wheelchair for a midlife crisis and I am not the type of guy desperate women will even settle for. Jealous as hell, aren't you?

I guess I'll wait for Natalie Portman to realize she has an endearing love for a guy she has never met. It could happen. And I'd settle for Alyson Hannigan.

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