Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Claren and I need to go on vacation

My 3-year-old nephew molested my service dog today. I got harassed at the bank, but I suspect it was more traumatic.

My nephew came down from a bath at Mom and Dad's all wrapped up in a fuzzy towel. He walked up to me and said "viola!" as he threw his towel off. I suspect his mother had a hand in that but not what followed.

He "voila'ed" Mom when Claren was right in front of her and got a start when he felt Claren's tail on his loins. After the initial surprise passed, my nephew realized he enjoys the feeling of a dog tail on his nether regions and kept moving so Claren kept brushing him.

I made sure to take Claren out after her traumatizing experience so she could roll around in the grass. I wish someone had been there after my trip to the bank to help shed the creepy.

I just went in to confirm that an account was closed. It was, my banker said, then she asked if I had looked into the information she had given me earlier. It took me a while to figure out what she meant then it hit me: the pyramid scheme of health, stem cell enhancers.

I gave some non-commital answer and she kept after me. Finally, I told her that I thought creating more stem cells was probably a bad idea for me because my cells, and I assume my stem cells, are screwed up at a genetic level. Of course, she had the answer: A daughter of a friend blah blah blah. So what do you think, Matt? she asked.

I told her it was not for me and she asked why. I told her there was no information about negative side effects. She seemed to buy that and let me leave. I am sure next time I am in there she will have the answer to that, too.

What really bugs me is I can't say to her LEAVE ME ALONE. I don't know why it is so hard for me to be rude. But it is not even rude; she is the rude nerd with her nosiness. It is not flight or fight; this woman was not threatening me. I'm not even sure she could take me and Claren, although she probably is juicing on stem cell enhancers. We could at least get off a good yell before she hulked out probably.

Probably all of my sisters will want me to get her fired; my little sister definitely does. I wish I could do that. But she can say she was just trying to give me a better life, no matter how misguided it might have been. And it is such a hard economy out there; I would not be able to sleep if I got someone fired. Just because someone is a jerk does not mean he or she is not a person.

But I am taking the rudeness on me, rather than letting them bear the responsibility for it. And what if she does this to someone else? Someone not as supremely well-balanced as I? She could hurt them. Her products could turn out to be little better than some gunk from a medicine show.

I just don't know, and if I did go out and roll around in the grass, I'd just get lots of mosquito bites.


Anonymous said...

This sister does not want you to get her fired. She does want you to take the youngest of us to the bank with you next time though. That could be an interesting conversation. Another ploy would be to say, My medications are so balanced I don't want to alter what my own physicians are doing. And when she persists say, Really just no.
See, I should write an advice column.
Barring that you could ask Joe to flash her

Anonymous said...

Matt is a good writer almost like Chaucer.. a teller of tails EAT

Matt said...

The Chaucer I want to be like is the rabble-rousing,gambler of A Knight's Tale. They called him Geoff.

And the problem with saying that bit about medications is that it is personal. I just want to say None of your business, but I know I won't.

Anonymous said...

I personally like Mary's idea...can I come to visit you at work one day? Pretty please? I am good at being rude to people who need being rude to. I could channel gram like when she let the people at the grocery store have it...

I love you

Anonymous said...

One of the first people to bring us dinner when Jim was sick also left some literature on curing cancer without medicine. Imagine! I was able to just pretend that never happened, but, boyo, I think you need to tell her that you would like her to stop mentioning it and if she wants to know why, tell her that you'd like her to stop mentioning it. But I would also add that I don't think you should feel responsible for her future victims.
and thanks for the visual on Joe.
I also like how you make your sisters sound like a band of avenging angels. I want to remind M and E to wear their gang pins when we get together in August.

Matt said...

Like you all aren't?

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