Sunday, May 8, 2011

Yeah, Mom

Last Mother's Day, I talked about how I inspire maternal instincts in women who aren't my mother.

Last night, though, I fell apart and needed the real thing. As she always is, Mom was there.

I am battling recently some really rotten feelings. Not sure why, but depression is bearing down hard lately. I think I do a good job hiding it at work and putting on a friendly face, but it is exhausting.

Distress with God often pops up during these dark days and darker nights, and my youngest niece had her First Communion earlier yesterday. One of her gifts was a guardian angel pin with the saying that God will not let the righteous fall.

I said to Mom last night: "But he does let the righteous fall and pee all over the bathroom floor" as I had done earlier. I realize that declaring myself as righteous may make me self-righteous, but that was not a big concern at that moment.

Mom assured me God does protect the righteous, but I stuck to my guns as my tears started to run: "He talks a good game, but he really doesn't." And then I really lost it: crying and heaving.

She just hugged me, and that helped me recover. It didn't remove my doubt or solve my problems, but it's hard to despair when you feel how much your mother loves you. Plus, my allergies are so bad that the crying and sobbing made it so I could not breathe, so I had to settle down anyway.

But it was mostly the hug.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I actually thought of you when I purchased that card and wondered what you would think.
J

Anonymous said...

i'm so sorry matt. please let me know if i can help.
sdt

Matt Trott said...

I like that you consider me when buying gifts for our niece.

Thanks. I blame it on lack of sugar mostly.

Anonymous said...

There is something to be said for a hug, especially from a Mom on Mother's Day. I had very similar feelings/thoughts earlier in the week. Something must be in the air. I hope you are feeling better, Matt. I hope you can at least get a small sugar fix with a sliver of cheesecake.
-D

Matt Trott said...

Might need to be cheesecake!

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