Sunday, February 11, 2007

Where is your God now? I just don't know

I have prayed all my life. When I was younger I prayed with words people have used for ages. As I got older and as my body grew more and more disabled, my prayers became more personal and more angry, but no less holy. I was still talking to God, begging for help or demanding to know things that he wouldn't share. (I use the male pronoun only for convenience.)

I always petition God. He is the one who said knock and the door shall be opened. A lot of times I feel left out in the cold all night. I want to be made whole. Hardly a day goes by that I don't make that prayer or wish or whatever. God promised everyone life to the full, but a life stuck in a chair hardly qualifies. That is the way it feels so often. My sister Mary wrote once that I was an incredible font of grace, that by being open to help I bring grace into the lives of the helpers. And that is great. But what's in it for me? I get so tired of having to be cared for by people I love and who love me but have their own issues to deal with.

It seems to me that when you are disabled, you ought to get a pass on the rest of the world's problems. You have enough troubles. And this goes for your loved ones, too. Their lives should be peaches and cream because you are going to cause problems for them.

They aren't easy, though. Things get heaped on and on, and I yell at God and curse him for not being here for me. At Mass, we say "only say the words and I shall be healed." The spirit is what we are talking about. But how can a spirit be easier to heal than a body? I can hardly say these words without wanting to cry or spit or both.

I went to Catholic school for 12 years and I was Sister Charles Borromeo's pride and joy. I learned all about the different types of prayer: Petition, adoration, reparation and thanksgiving. If we are supposed to thank God when things go well, why can't we blame him for things that go wrong?

And I know that God didn't give me my disability, but I also learned in school about the two types of sin: those of commission and those of omission. How can God not be guilty of a sin of omission regarding me and so much in this world?

I guess the worst thing is that God is no comfort to me. I get so mad thinking about that. I just can't believe he is close by, or if he is, I can't believe it is worth much.

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