Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Just call me Chappy

I love taking showers.

I am almost always cold, so a hot shower is more fulfilling than anything. And I don't like being stinky and grungy, so a shower is a real plus there, too.

Lately, though, I have been too tired to shower on the weekends, mainly if I am not going anywhere that day. It is just too hard.

Taking off my clothes is a pain, and I try to speed it up by doing silly things, like pulling all my shirts off at once, even if I am wearing three. That is just asking to fall, I know, or wobble into a wall. I can't fall because I am still buckled into my chair. And I wobble into walls just taking off one shirt, so I figure two or three at once is not a whole lot more dangerous.

The hardest part of my bathroom striptease is my pants. I don't like to sit in my chair in the nude because I am so dainty and don't want my chair to dirty up. Yes, I am silly. If you were to see me in the bathroom trying to step out of my pants, you might change that silly to flat-out stupid. I wouldn't gainsay you.

Then I have to step into the shower, which is a tub/shower. I could have the side removed from my tub to make getting in easier, but I sometimes need to sit in a bath for my delicate fanny.

Once I am in the shower, things are OK … unless the shower curtain brushes my foot, which sets off hilarious jerks throughout my leg; the water gets too cool, which means I have to turn it up but oh damn, I turned it up too much; I drop the soap, which is not an issue of someone waiting to ravish me, it is just hard to pick up. There are many other unless's, but I'd run out of hot water naming them all.

Then, of course, I have to repeat the process to get out, except I can sit my delicate fanny on my chair because it, my fanny, is clean.

Getting dressed is easier than getting undressed actually. I think it is because I take more time getting dressed. The main problem, again, is my pants. I need to pull them up, but I am sitting down.

A lightbulb or two just went off. I know the answer: assless chaps or a nudist colony. The problem with a nudist colony is that things could get caught in the spokes of my wheelchair. Of course, I mean my toes. So assless chaps it is, and I will be able to shower plenty if I am chapped up.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Matty:
I really, really want to write something in response to this post, but I can't quite think what it is. Maybe you need some quick-release britches like the chippendales wear.
xxoo
JTG

Anonymous said...

Why does JTG know what the chippendales wear???? HMMMMMM?
ejd

Matt said...

That is kind of interesting. Maybe one of her friends told her. I know: She probably saw the Saturday Night Live skit with Patrick Swayze and Chris Farley.

And how would they help anyway? I don't need something that flies off at the drop of a hat but something that doesn't require standing to put on.

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