Saturday, March 3, 2007

LAM of God

Sometimes, I am certain the designer of the building I work in is my truly arch-nemesis, not my 3-year-old niece.

During the building of the complex, I can see the designer and a few others sitting around a smoke-filled back room, playing cards and asking one another, "How can we annoy Matt?"

I don't mean MC Escher stairways; that would be illegal. I am talking about counters that are just the wrong width, tables that are the wrong height, the well-detailed auditorium issues, the bathrooms and the like.

On Thursday, I brought a burrito to work for lunch, and this conspiracy theory again popped to the front of my brain. I am sure the cabal took measurements of my reach and then built the microwave shelf in every break room one-half inch less than my max. The result was on Thursday, as on every day I use the microwave, I stretched and contorted my arm to reach the buttons that would bring me steak-and-beany goodness.

How and when could they have gotten my measurements? Unless they drugged me ala some X-Files plot, the cabal might be bigger than just the builder.

Instead, maybe God gets together with the angels maybe or perhaps the other Trinity members and plays a favorite game: "Let's aggravate Matt," or LAM.

I could be a modern-day Job, and God said to the Devil: "Do what you will. Matt will never curse me."

Two problems: If Old Scratch were screwing me, I think the problems would greater than my dog scratching herself raw. Granted, the disability is a greater problem, but I keep telling myself that is genetics not anything else. The second issue, God saying I wouldn't curse him is just plain stupid. I mean I yelled at God when the stand for Moishe, a Wild Thing action figure, did not fit him correctly.

It is these aggravations that get me. Sure, facing a totally inaccessible b bathroom makes me cry, spit and curse immediately, but getting my wheelchair stuck in the mud one morning, followed by a ride to work where the driver ignores your directions, followed by a million other little things just take me out harder than tumbling down MC Eshcer stairs.


Megg said...

Matty Matt ... what does LAM stand for? Without an explanation, I'm forced to surmise the following:

You got Chris Moore's latest book, and you're riffing on that. Or;

LAM = Lame-ass Matt. But that just seems mean, so maybe it's;

Long, Angry Meanderings of god, which in that case should have been LAM on god, but it's your blog so who am I to edit?? ;)

Jim always used to say his picture of god was a cosmic joker, sitting around watching us slam into walls and each other, all the while laughing tits up. Somehow, that gives me comfort, because it means while he may be a mean SOB, he's gone one hell of a sense of humor and he's someone I'd like to party with. But then, I've always thought the same about you!!

Matt said...

Hey, don't be mean. Just read the paragraph that goes "Instead, maybe God gets together with the angels maybe or perhaps the other Trinity members and plays a favorite game: "Let's aggravate Matt," or LAM."

I also was riffing on Chris Moore. I am loving that book. Expect a book report soon. And C, too, always C. Although I have never really considered partying with God. I like that.

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