Monday, April 28, 2008

The ties that bind

Bruce Springsteen's song The Ties that Bind popped into my head this afternoon. Really just the first line: "You been hurt and you're all cried out you say."

What does that feel like – to be all cried out? Sometimes I think I know. It feels awful. Your eyes feel dry and caked. Your throat feels dry and everything reminds you of something sad.

But whenever I think I might be all cried out, something happens to remind me that: No, sucker, you aren't all cried out yet. Try this on for size.

I woke up last night about 2:40 a.m. I was staying at Mom and Dad's, and sort of had to pee. I could have ignored it, but I get an extra hour's worth of sleep at home because Dad takes Claren out. So I decided to get up. In theory.

In reality, I slipped. There is little to hold on to. I was on the floor and I could not get up. I had Claren bark a few times, then reached my cell and called Mom and Dad's. Dad said he looked at Mom and said that at least we know it isn't Matt. He is safe downstairs. Ha! Matt is safe nowhere.

I am not sure which is worse: sitting on the floor in some unsanitary liquid or having to call your almost-70-year-old parents to help you out of said unsanitariness.

They did help me, of course. Without complaint. But I lay there a while afterward hopped up on adrenaline and anguish. That is some bitter hops.

All day I wanted to tell someone. I could even leave out the squalid parts,; just falling at night is bad enough. there are probably three non-relatives I could tell -- i have leaned on them before -- but it is awful one-sided.

Anyway what I really wanted was for someone to ask me how I was. Didn't happen at work, but my little sister asked me. Whoops, Em,

She was great about it, but because we are going to be living together, how could part of her not be thinking "I don't want to deal with this shit." To be fair, though, shit is not an issue. Still...

I asked Mom once if she thought my little sister knew what she was getting into, with me and my disease. Mom said she was sure she did not. I believe Mom was saying that no one really knows what's ahead, disease or not, and one just deals as best as one can (just like the sparrow!).

That Springsteen song ends with "You can't forsake the ties that bind." I think that is what I need to focus on.


Anonymous said...

Matt, Matt, Matt. Whether she or any of us knows what is ahead, any one of us would do for any of the others of us. That's just the way it is. I can promise you that is NOT the way it is in all families. So there must be something special (or odd) about us. And since we are so peculiar, I am sure the only thing each of us is thinking is: Drat, I wish I could have been there to help.

Anonymous said...

Mary is right. Except none of us says Drat.
All my love,

Matt said...

Well, if you all are there to help, could I be in like Hawaii?

Kidding, thanks!

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