Saturday, August 23, 2008

Friday night's not all right for crying

I can recall really really crying just three times in my live, not counting sad events like Gram's death. I don't mean getting teary-eyed. I mean weeping and moaning, uncertain the crying would ever stop and not really caring. Not surprisingly, they all were because of Friedreich's ataxia.

Very surprisingly, last night did not become the fourth.

When living in Winston-Salem, N.C., I lost it while on the phone with my oldest sister and once with Mom. That was awful. I kept saying I'm sorry and taking deep breaths to calm down, but the breaths let sobs and wails escape. My sister claims she owes me because I used to talk to her on the phone while she was having a miserable time in grad school. She has more than repaid that debt.

Mom ... I just hope she never tries to collect on me. She bore the brunt of crying spell No. 3. That one, at my condo in Herndon (still for sale by the way), came about as I cursed the concept of fairness.

I am not sure how I held back Friday. I know I was so afraid that if I did start crying I would never stop. I couldn't stop the tears, but I did my best to ignore them and the anguish.

I fell. Not that shocking, but it was. I haven't been falling much lately, but I did this week in the bathroom at work and then Friday night.

And it hurt. I was getting into my chair in the living room from the floor, and I was standing in front of it with my legs bent. I remember thinking, Now just straighten your legs, then it all went to hell. Maybe my legs did straighten, just too fast. Who knows? Before I knew what was happening, I fell against this big old armchair. My head bore the brunt. The left side smacked the arm and the back rammed into the wing. I was just lying on the floor when Mom came in to check on the noise. I knew I was OK, but the insides of my head felt all sloshed around and it was just so damn frustrating.

I told Mom that you think you can get used to FA and deal with it, but you really can't. I can't anyway. I guess that is why I have people I can cry with.

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