Monday, June 1, 2009

Walking away our troubles

I forget sometimes that Claren didn't volunteer for this. She could spend her days chasing bunnies. Instead, she has to deal with a nerd who grieves for someone that never existed.

I get four alumni magazines or newsletters and I flip through them until I get to the life changes notices, which I read religiously. So-and-so has written a book. So-and-so works in the software industry. X and Y got married. Z has three kids.

The job stuff doesn't wow me or make me jealous, even if a woman I knew at my college newspaper won a Pulitzer. I am very good at my job and all the important people know that.

It is the relationship stuff. I feel like I missed something back in college while I was dealing with at least on a subconscious basis what turned out to be Friedreich's ataxia. But the Matt who did not have to deal with the onset of FA does not exist, at least not on this planet. Maybe there is a happily married Matt on Earth 2, but if comic books are any guide, parallel earths are always getting blown up or run by megalomaniac super-villains.

I was reading the notices of my alumni newsletter today, and I started feeling rotten. I figured if I could play with Claren and throw the ball, I might toss away some of my sadness. Claren, of course, just wanted to chew the dang ball.

I got a little frustrated, maybe a lot, and made her come in with me. But she came so willingly and just laid down inside. I felt like a totally jerk. I still wish I could have something good to say in a life notice thingy, not a job thing either, but who cares? I can't take it out on Claren.

We went for a walk.

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