On Monday, I made an incredibly stupid decision. In explaining myself afterward, I told Mom and my sister: "I hate myself."
Of course I wasn't serious. I am far too lovable to hate.
But a real current of self-loathing runs through me. Not surprisingly, most (all?) is related to Friedreich's ataxia. But it is not all directed at FA.
A lot is. I hate how I can't walk, talk, eat, sleep, hear, see, feel ... live like other people can, and I despise it. It isn't fair, isn't fun and so much more.
But some of it is about how I react to FA.
I hate that I can be surly to people I love when something happens.
I hate that I worry about my future -- being forced to stop working, burdening my family (more than I do now), dying early, getting worse daily.
I hate that FA makes everything an issue, even me.
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