Fear and loathing in Falls Church

On Monday, I made an incredibly stupid decision. In explaining myself afterward, I told Mom and my sister: "I hate myself."

Of course I wasn't serious. I am far too lovable to hate.

But a real current of self-loathing runs through me. Not surprisingly, most (all?) is related to Friedreich's ataxia. But it is not all directed at FA.

A lot is. I hate how I can't walk, talk, eat, sleep, hear, see, feel ... live like other people can, and I despise it. It isn't fair, isn't fun and so much more.

But some of it is about how I react to FA.

I hate that I can be surly to people I love when something happens.

I hate that I worry about my future -- being forced to stop working, burdening my family (more than I do now), dying early, getting worse daily.

I hate that FA makes everything an issue, even me.