Thursday, December 3, 2015

Happy birthday, little sister, or as bad as I wanna be

As i was transferring from my shower chair to my wheelchair this morning, I had a revelation. I had dropped my glasses behind my shower chair, and my plan was to ask whoever came down first to just grab them for me.

It was then that I realized I am going to heaven no matter what I do because offer everybody amazing opportunities to shine by helping me.

With this idea in mind, I headed over to get some clothes -- pretty proud of my mind for coming up with this "Get out of hell free" card.

I also wanted my Uggs, which were on the floor in front of me. I do not normally turn off my chair before bending over. This is stupid, I know, but so far I'd been OK. Plus, it was my sister's birthday today, so if I fell, I'd just be offering her an opportunity to work of the many, many years she has earned in purgatory. And I had my seatbelt on, so I wouldn't fall.

And I didn't.

I did, however, slip while grabbing my Uggs, and my arm hit the chair joystick, ramming my head into some trim on my wall. This happened at least twice because I recovered and got away from the wall only to hit the joystick again before I could turn it off.

I finally got away from the wall and turned off the chair. That is when I saw the blood all over my hand.

Not sure where I was bleeding, I figured I better call my sister. Normally, she answers with an "I'll be right there," and she is.

This time she said something else and that she'd be there in a second. At that point, I felt something run into my eye and I realized where I was cut. I replied with a wimpy-sounding "help." She did, followed closely by my brother-in-law.

Here is what they saw:

Not to mention bloody me.

My sister leapt into action -- cleaning me up and stopping the blood. She and my brother-in-law decided I needed to go to the ER,  so after a call to Dad and Mom brought them up, we were off.

We were the first ER patients it appeared, so we got in quick. It was all pretty normal, except someone asked if we were married. Not sure what that was about,. We look so alike one of my friends in college saw her photo and referred to her as "Matt with [breasts]."

They also put in staples, which was fine, but if I were a medical device maker, I would make the staple gun sound nothing like the stapler one uses in the office.

Then we left, noticing the ER was almost half full.

Maybe I will start turning off my chair before bending over.

PS: My sister is definitely going to heaven.


Anonymous said...

Umm I'm not sure I'd bank on E in heaven. But if she's not there, I don't want to go either (not there's much chance of that anyway!)

Anonymous said...

I'm totally going....Gram wants me there. :)

Anonymous said...

ahh, right, the Gram argument. I am also counting on that!

Matt Trott said...

I am sure you know more than I, but I offer her A LOT of opportunities. I think that unless she runs around Gotham as arch-villain Harley Quinn, I think she's in

Jessica Durando said...

Matt!!!! This looks like a crime scene! I am ordering you to be more careful :) I don't care if people don't get into heaven because of that. <3 Jess

Matt Trott said...

you'd think this would knock some sense into me, but ...

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