I am praying to the wrong people

With the stories about the canonization of John Paul II and John XXIII, I realized I  need to get smarter about praying if I want my miracle. I am not getting any younger, and it is so obvious what needs to be done. I need to start looking at things through the lens of capitalism: What's in it for God and the person I am praying to.

Unfortunately, this means no longer praying to the woman on my tea mug: Gram, one of the best people I know. She wouldn't shy away from giving God what-for if he didn't come through ether.

But the way I see it, God gets nothing out of curing me based on an intercession from Gram. Sure, it allows him to claim to be one with the people, but what does he really get? No press -- because no will attribute my cure to him if it comes through an unknown like Gram. No one is going to start praying to her either, as everyone will assume she was helping her grandson.

Plus, God can't know everyone in heaven. When Gram asks for a favor, I picture St. Peter running behind God with the "Roll of Heaven" and whispering in his ear "Simone, her name is Simone. She asked for a miracle for her grandson Matt who has Friedreich's ataxia.***"

Then God would be all: "Oh Simone, how's Matt. Tough miracle, Friedreich's ataxia. Looking into it, though."

And Gram would start getting up in God's face, but he'd be like: "You know what we'll do. I'm a-get Thomas here to lead a fact-finding mission to find out how we cure FA. Thomas, take down every word Simone says. Talk to you later."

I also need to stop praying to well-known saints as well for similar reasons. If a miracle is attributed to St. Matthew's intercession, where is the big news there? He was an apostle, a gospel-writer, of course, God would throw him a miracle or two. They're old drinking buddies. And again, these famous saints already have legions of fans, so a miracle won't get them more.

Plus, you know the big saints have executive assistants to wade through the millions of prayers they get. So you have to convince not only Joan of Arc that you deserve help but also Sandy at the front desk.

The people to pray to are semi-famous, not-quite saints, but on the road to sainthood. That way they have a vested interest in curing me because you need miracles to become a saint. And cures are the best miracles, and an FA cure would be pretty undeniable -- pre-miracle FA gene, post-miracle no FA gene.

God also has something to get out of a miracle for, say, Issac Hecker, founder of the Paulist Fathers and current Servant of God (pre-, pre-, pre-saint). If Hecker prayers succeed, more people pray to him, Catholicism gets media attention and a boost in attendance.

Everybody wins.

OK, Issac, ball's in your court.


***And yes, Gram would ask for help for all her people, but I am the only one I name.