So when someone, seeing my feet sticking out from under the stall, asks if I need help, I say sure. It doesn't matter if I am sure I'd make it back into my chair myself. Eventually, I would, but it would take a while.
The sure is said cheerily, of course, but cheer is usually the last thing on my mind.
- I am sad I can't stand up myself. I am really pissed I can't even transfer from a toilet to my chair without falling.
- I am embarrassed that some co-worker has to help me when my pants are done. Thankfully, I usually have my boxers pulled up. And I am more embarrassed that this has become such a part of my life that I am not really embarrassed.
- I am thankful for their help and sorry for them that they have to do this.
- I am annoyed sometimes that some people have "not seen me."
- I am sick that this is happening with more frequency (twice in two weeks, and I teleworked three days last week).
- I am mad as I sit on the floor willing my legs not to flop over or my feet not to slide. It never works -- the willing, I mean. I am not surprised, just mad that I need help in this most-basic thing. I also run through why I fell -- did I try to pull up my pants instead of just sitting on my chair in my boxers, did a leg buckle, which one? Whatever happened usually irks me because it is often my fault. And, of course, I have to hide this anguish, which is further annoying.
I am a tempest in a wheelchair. No wonder I am always tired.
7 comments:
How about you stop being sorry that people have to help you? How about you let that go and remember that it is an opportunity of grace? What if every time someone hugged me or helped me I said sorry you are being nice to me? That would sound and be so dumb. Sure I am down with being mad at the people who run out without helping or the people who pee on the seat in the accessible stall, but the people who are helping you....I am not sorry for them or you. I'm grateful for both.
xxoo
me
Matt
You and T and grace were the subject of the only thing I ever actually had run in the paper that wasn't a headline, caption or grafic chat. It was true then and is true now. It's the grace. It costs you a lot, but it's a gift to the rest of us.
xxoo, see you soon
metc
If I let go of my anguish, what would I blog about?
I still have a copy of that article.
You'd think of something and so do I
Xxoo
Metc
I'm sorry you have to go through this. It is one thing to have help opening doors, or getting something off a shelf. But, to need help with something as personal as using the toilet .... maybe you could ask a close friend to be your break buddy. to be nearby if you need assistance.
thanks, I kind of have break buddies. Four or five people I have warned that I may call them for help
Oh, that's good. :)
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