Happy Mothers' Day

I had intended to write about how I tend to bring out the mother in women, whether it is my niece being "as proud as a mother hen" at my talk to her class or friends fixing my coat collar at work.

I realize that it might just be that I attribute nice things done to me by a woman as maternal, which is odd.

But I never got around to writing.

It is, however, nothing new really. Here is something I wrote in 1995, and it is quite similar although I suggested then that it was a sisterly, not maternal, instinct.

The most troubling aspect of this '95 essay is that I am now the older man I was then competing against and the older set I mention is within my sight. Add 15 years to the numbers below. Oh, and I got the cute puppy – no help.

Happy Mothers' Day to all my moms.

I read a story today that more and more women are beginning to date younger men, and it gave a list of reasons. Evening up life expectancies, sexual peaks, etc. Then there major reason: Younger men are more sensitive than older guys. In other words, I should be the man.

The jokes about becoming a gigolo may turn to fact. I am more sensitive than most guys my age, so I must be doubly more sensitive than older guys, so ...

But I’m not turning anyone away at the door, and that doesn’t mean I am dating handfuls of women. No one is coming to my door to be turned away.

I do have a different effect on women depending on their age. The older set, say 50 or so and up, tends to see me as a grandson or son. Generally, these women will point things out for me and will appreciate me because I am polite and respectful. This is great. I like to earn the appreciation of my elders.

The other effect is more troubling. Women, 20-35, tend to view me as their little brother. My age is insignificant. I need looking after to make sure everything goes OK. If I could find one young lady who thinks of me not as a little brother but as a tantalizing tower of testosterone or at least as a guy, then the phenomenon would be perfect. My significant other would not have to worry A) about me getting into trouble because all my big sisters would be looking out for me, and B) about having an affair because I’m not into incest.

But is this a fault of my perception? Has having two older sisters and one younger one who like to make sure I’m safe spoiled my outlook on women? Do some women look at me -- their eyes hot with a seething, swirling passion -- and have their sensuous glance met with the look of a little brother? Then all of a sudden, these women think, “My god, what am I doing? I am make eyes at my little brother. What kind of sicko am I?”

So not only do I lose a potential significant other but I drive them into therapy for what they decide are impure thoughts. This of course would drive the therapist insane because there would be no impurity. But if it was a female doctor, my “sister” could bring me in, and after I met the therapist, she would look at her patient and say, “You were thinking of him that way. How could you? He’s so adorable. Matt, do you want some milk and cookies?”

A roommate and I once talked about borrowing my then-3-year-old nephew and a puppy and walking with them around college. We were certain babes would flock to these cute things and then turn to us as the protectors of the cute things.

Maybe I should mention my adorability to my single friends. I’m cheaper than a puppy.