I went looking for a post I had written a while ago about a guy with Friedreich's ataxia who had killed himself. It's not that I am thinking of killing myself, not at all, But I wanted to see if I still agreed with what I wrote 11 years ago (it turned out).
It varied.
On the one hand, one of his key arguments, presented by a friend -- that he refused to let FA win -- still strikes me as bunk. How is killing yourself not letting a disease win? It seems that you are totally capitulating to the disease and taking an easy way out.
But another argument -- that he didn't want those he loved to have to care for him -- is more seductive.
I know that it is not at all my decision and that my family and friends help out of love.
Despite that, I have been thinking how rotten it is for them to have to care for me. I know they are tired, not of caring for me, just in general.
One of my main reasons for not wanting to kill myself, aside from the sick feeling it gives me (and the 12 year of Catholic school) has been the desire to see how my life turns out. That's turning hollow, too.
I will have great fun, I know. Will my niece makes the Olympic hockey team before or after she cures cancer? Will my nephew become the next Steve Jobs? Will another nephew win a Grammy? Who will they all marry?
For me personally, I foresee more pain and falls, not awesomeness.
Ultimately, none of that matters. I am here for the duration.
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