As I was leaving work today, I passed Ben. Ben works about two rows away and later hours so he was headed back to his desk. He didn't go the way I came, though, he walked down THE HALL.
It would make a better story if I had never seen or used THE HALL, but come on, I have been in the building since it opened in 2001. I have been down it a handful of times, I use it rarely, though, because you have to open a big glass door.
I just wish I could use THE HALL. It would only save me a few seconds, I know. It's a stupid little thing -- I actually dreamed during my post-work nap about filing an ADA complaint about it and the lawyer just laughed.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Too busy to sh*t on today
Since Thursday the switch on my life seems to be alternating between really freakin' busy and off. This is probably better than the alternatives, which leave me time to think.
Friday was the worst. I went in an hour early because the wheelchair guy, Sid, was coming to fix the arm height.
I wound up staying an hour late. There was a lot of stuff to do and someone was on vacation. The real problem, though, was that someone asked me to do a chart for her, but did not send the data when she said she would. I break my back for people at work; sometimes I think I am stupid as he…
I also had a run-in with the automatic soap dispensers in the bathroom at work. Sid ordered some stuff for my chair to enable me to wheel under things like sinks, but I still can't. He said it should come this week. Unable to wheel under and wash my hands, I lean over and grab the soap dispenser to steady myself in a very unnatural position. This turns on the dispenser and it flings a glob of soap down into the sink, usually not where my hand is and once where my sleeve was.
Since I was so late at work Friday, I went to Mom and Dad's for the night. After a quick dinner, I slept pretty much 12 hours straight, got up for about three hours – enough to have breakfast and lunch and be called "Uncle Lazy Bones" by my nephew and niece – then took a two-hour nap, went home, stayed up till 9 and went to bed.
I did have time to share with a friend my latest theory on why I have been feeling crummy lately. I told her that I am basically a coward. Things are so much better in my life than they were 10 or even five years ago – not disability-wise but life-wise. But they still are not as good as I want them to be. I am, however, scared of making a misstep now that will plunge me back to the 5- or 10-year-ago me.
What she told me is going to stick in my mind forever because it is such a gross image: "If you have one foot in yesterday, and one foot in tomorrow, you shit all over today."
She's right, of course. Most of my worries are stupid. I know that. But I am in a place of modest comfort now, and who wants to jeopardize things when you are even just modestly comfortable? I am hoping that this new house slaps me out of my distress, but I am not counting on that being built until the end of next year.
I guess the answer is just to stay busy. Maybe I should thank the woman who hosed me with that chart data?
Friday was the worst. I went in an hour early because the wheelchair guy, Sid, was coming to fix the arm height.
I wound up staying an hour late. There was a lot of stuff to do and someone was on vacation. The real problem, though, was that someone asked me to do a chart for her, but did not send the data when she said she would. I break my back for people at work; sometimes I think I am stupid as he…
I also had a run-in with the automatic soap dispensers in the bathroom at work. Sid ordered some stuff for my chair to enable me to wheel under things like sinks, but I still can't. He said it should come this week. Unable to wheel under and wash my hands, I lean over and grab the soap dispenser to steady myself in a very unnatural position. This turns on the dispenser and it flings a glob of soap down into the sink, usually not where my hand is and once where my sleeve was.
Since I was so late at work Friday, I went to Mom and Dad's for the night. After a quick dinner, I slept pretty much 12 hours straight, got up for about three hours – enough to have breakfast and lunch and be called "Uncle Lazy Bones" by my nephew and niece – then took a two-hour nap, went home, stayed up till 9 and went to bed.
I did have time to share with a friend my latest theory on why I have been feeling crummy lately. I told her that I am basically a coward. Things are so much better in my life than they were 10 or even five years ago – not disability-wise but life-wise. But they still are not as good as I want them to be. I am, however, scared of making a misstep now that will plunge me back to the 5- or 10-year-ago me.
What she told me is going to stick in my mind forever because it is such a gross image: "If you have one foot in yesterday, and one foot in tomorrow, you shit all over today."
She's right, of course. Most of my worries are stupid. I know that. But I am in a place of modest comfort now, and who wants to jeopardize things when you are even just modestly comfortable? I am hoping that this new house slaps me out of my distress, but I am not counting on that being built until the end of next year.
I guess the answer is just to stay busy. Maybe I should thank the woman who hosed me with that chart data?
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
My enemy: A piece of land
Once again real life (and sort-of real death) intrude on my navel-gazing.
I had planned to write about how everyone but me is getting older, and it's not a good thing. Everyone else seems to become more of an adult, more mature. Me, I am the same as always. My nephews and nieces are about the only ones I feel older than, but that is changing. One is getting recruited for college. Lord knows, he will soon be doing things I can't imagine.
But as I said, real life interrupted.
I was out for a walk and was up near the trash can I frequent to toss Claren's poop. If a place could be a person's nemesis, my nemesis would be right off the sidewalk near the trash can.
There is a big cement plate in the grass between the sidewalk and the street. It doesn't go all the way to the street, though. It stops so there is just enough room for wheelchair wheels to get trapped. And all the grass around it is sunken and slick.
I got stuck there a few years ago and had to call Dad to come help me because no cars stopped to help me. Actually, one did but it stopped right as Dad pulled up. I didn't want Dad to come out; I wanted the Herndon police number so I could call them. But he insisted. I put the police in my cell phone soon after, but I did not have the police in my new cell phone so I was worried I'd have to call Dad again tonight.
I have not got the intricacies of driving the new chair down yet. It is a mid-wheel drive and it just feels odd. It turns real easily and tends to slide left and right. I am not quite sure what happened, but I found myself running off the sidewalk on to the big cement plate. I stopped before I went off the curb, but I was stuck with my wheels on and off the plate.
The new chair does not go back that well when it is in a tight spot either, so I edged it forward and then put my feet on the ground and pushed it fully on to the plate. From there I got back to the sidewalk. It only started sliding off toward the street once or twice during the whole time.
All in all, I rather be navel-gazing, even naval-gazing. I like ships.
I had planned to write about how everyone but me is getting older, and it's not a good thing. Everyone else seems to become more of an adult, more mature. Me, I am the same as always. My nephews and nieces are about the only ones I feel older than, but that is changing. One is getting recruited for college. Lord knows, he will soon be doing things I can't imagine.
But as I said, real life interrupted.
I was out for a walk and was up near the trash can I frequent to toss Claren's poop. If a place could be a person's nemesis, my nemesis would be right off the sidewalk near the trash can.
There is a big cement plate in the grass between the sidewalk and the street. It doesn't go all the way to the street, though. It stops so there is just enough room for wheelchair wheels to get trapped. And all the grass around it is sunken and slick.
I got stuck there a few years ago and had to call Dad to come help me because no cars stopped to help me. Actually, one did but it stopped right as Dad pulled up. I didn't want Dad to come out; I wanted the Herndon police number so I could call them. But he insisted. I put the police in my cell phone soon after, but I did not have the police in my new cell phone so I was worried I'd have to call Dad again tonight.
I have not got the intricacies of driving the new chair down yet. It is a mid-wheel drive and it just feels odd. It turns real easily and tends to slide left and right. I am not quite sure what happened, but I found myself running off the sidewalk on to the big cement plate. I stopped before I went off the curb, but I was stuck with my wheels on and off the plate.
The new chair does not go back that well when it is in a tight spot either, so I edged it forward and then put my feet on the ground and pushed it fully on to the plate. From there I got back to the sidewalk. It only started sliding off toward the street once or twice during the whole time.
All in all, I rather be navel-gazing, even naval-gazing. I like ships.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
My life has not become perfect
I try not to set my expectations very high so I don't get disappointed. It rarely works.
I think my subconscious develops these super-optimistic hopes, and either it hides them from my conscious self or my brain feigns ignorance of them so I can say my expectations are low but still have sky-high hopes.
I got a new wheelchair. Unsurprisingly, it is not perfect and has not solved all my problems.
On the whole, I think it is a positive. It looks better, goes faster, is quieter and comfortable. But it keeps me from wheeling under my sink, desk, keyboard tray and table. I asked the wheelchair vendor about it and he said he would get back to me with some ideas after 1. I guess 9 p.m. is after 1 p.m. I am not at all disappointed. Even if he has no good solutions, which would be hard to believe, a guy at work offered to make it work. He is a builder (planes, cars) in his spare time, and he said he could easily develop something to let the controller swing away so I could roll under things.
The new chair is also rougher going over cracks in the sidewalk. I feel every pebble. It is probably safer, though; I have not yet felt like it might tip over. It also has an odometer, a battery gauge, 5 gears and a speedometer, so yeah, it is cool.
I can't stop feeling mad that I did not foresee the issues with rolling under things. And I am disappointed with the chair. I am totally emphasizing the negatives, I know.
Perhaps it is the change in seasons that has me feeling rotten or the change to daylight saving time.
I guess I just have to lower my expectations. For instance, Buffy the Vampire Slayer is not going to come over to see my sweet chair. Rogue slayer Faith might, though.
I think my subconscious develops these super-optimistic hopes, and either it hides them from my conscious self or my brain feigns ignorance of them so I can say my expectations are low but still have sky-high hopes.
I got a new wheelchair. Unsurprisingly, it is not perfect and has not solved all my problems.
On the whole, I think it is a positive. It looks better, goes faster, is quieter and comfortable. But it keeps me from wheeling under my sink, desk, keyboard tray and table. I asked the wheelchair vendor about it and he said he would get back to me with some ideas after 1. I guess 9 p.m. is after 1 p.m. I am not at all disappointed. Even if he has no good solutions, which would be hard to believe, a guy at work offered to make it work. He is a builder (planes, cars) in his spare time, and he said he could easily develop something to let the controller swing away so I could roll under things.
The new chair is also rougher going over cracks in the sidewalk. I feel every pebble. It is probably safer, though; I have not yet felt like it might tip over. It also has an odometer, a battery gauge, 5 gears and a speedometer, so yeah, it is cool.
I can't stop feeling mad that I did not foresee the issues with rolling under things. And I am disappointed with the chair. I am totally emphasizing the negatives, I know.
Perhaps it is the change in seasons that has me feeling rotten or the change to daylight saving time.
I guess I just have to lower my expectations. For instance, Buffy the Vampire Slayer is not going to come over to see my sweet chair. Rogue slayer Faith might, though.
Monday, March 10, 2008
What's subtle?
A wheelchair is about as subtle as a 732 pound naked man trying to dance Swan Lake.
I guess this is why I ordered the candy-apple red wheelchair. I had a drab green one before, and it is not like anyone overlooked my chair. So the new one is kind of my "what up, mother---ers."
I don't know if that is better than being drab, but I do miss being subtle.
The other night I saw someone walking a dog and I started to cross the street, because that is where the trash can is, not to keep Claren away from another dog. In the middle of the street, I saw it was a person who likes Claren and who I like to chat with. Of course, though, I can't simply turn around. No, I made a big circle in the street -- thankfully no cars were coming -- to talk to her.
Or today, I was leaving work at the same time as a friend. I would have liked to say "I'll walk out with you" or something, but she was going the other way and we both were talking to our bosses. And it is just damn near impossible to maneuver a wheelchair so you can catch a friend without it becoming some grand, show-stopping act.
Other quick hits from a crappy day:
• I asked the wheelchair vendor about these two problems with the new chair. Overall, it is nice. My boss said that as a former hot rodder, he liked the colors. But the power switch turns on by accident quite easily. I'll turn it off and then stand up to transfer. Often my leg will brush the side of the controller and turn it on. Or I'll be changing clothes and a sock will brush the switch and turn it on. I haven't hit the joystick after turning it on, but I fear it is just a matter of time. I ran into this problem at dinner last night and at work today with the new chair. The controller won't fit under my table, desk or keyboard tray. I can lift it out of the way but then I lose the support and stability the arm provides. It is causing me to lean more into the lateral suport, too, causing discomfort, so I swung that away and lost that support.
• Also, one should not use it without the foot rest being down. I tried to just go to the bathroom from the living room, but I got stuck in the hall with my poor right foot at odd angles under the front wheel.
• My night sweats seem to be confused by the switch to daylight saving time. I fell asleep after work and woke up for dinner but had to go change clothes because one could have wrung out my shirts.
• It now needs to be a 30-minute rule. I brought my dinner over on my rolling tray and sat down to watch "The Simpsons." A dinner roll fell and despite all my looking I could not find it till I got up and saw it on the floor in front of Claren's toolbox. I did eat it.
I guess this is why I ordered the candy-apple red wheelchair. I had a drab green one before, and it is not like anyone overlooked my chair. So the new one is kind of my "what up, mother---ers."
I don't know if that is better than being drab, but I do miss being subtle.
The other night I saw someone walking a dog and I started to cross the street, because that is where the trash can is, not to keep Claren away from another dog. In the middle of the street, I saw it was a person who likes Claren and who I like to chat with. Of course, though, I can't simply turn around. No, I made a big circle in the street -- thankfully no cars were coming -- to talk to her.
Or today, I was leaving work at the same time as a friend. I would have liked to say "I'll walk out with you" or something, but she was going the other way and we both were talking to our bosses. And it is just damn near impossible to maneuver a wheelchair so you can catch a friend without it becoming some grand, show-stopping act.
Other quick hits from a crappy day:
• I asked the wheelchair vendor about these two problems with the new chair. Overall, it is nice. My boss said that as a former hot rodder, he liked the colors. But the power switch turns on by accident quite easily. I'll turn it off and then stand up to transfer. Often my leg will brush the side of the controller and turn it on. Or I'll be changing clothes and a sock will brush the switch and turn it on. I haven't hit the joystick after turning it on, but I fear it is just a matter of time. I ran into this problem at dinner last night and at work today with the new chair. The controller won't fit under my table, desk or keyboard tray. I can lift it out of the way but then I lose the support and stability the arm provides. It is causing me to lean more into the lateral suport, too, causing discomfort, so I swung that away and lost that support.
• Also, one should not use it without the foot rest being down. I tried to just go to the bathroom from the living room, but I got stuck in the hall with my poor right foot at odd angles under the front wheel.
• My night sweats seem to be confused by the switch to daylight saving time. I fell asleep after work and woke up for dinner but had to go change clothes because one could have wrung out my shirts.
• It now needs to be a 30-minute rule. I brought my dinner over on my rolling tray and sat down to watch "The Simpsons." A dinner roll fell and despite all my looking I could not find it till I got up and saw it on the floor in front of Claren's toolbox. I did eat it.
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