Of course, sad songs make you sad, idiot!

I have a playlist on my iPod called "sad." It has, obviously, a lot of sad songs, many achingly so.

I listen to the Cowboy Junkies' "I'm so lonesome I could cry," and I just want to comfort the singer, let her know that she isn't alone. I hear U2 sing "All I want is you," and I can't imagine a sadder song. Singer Bono seems to be truly mourning and yearning for someone out of reach. It makes me want to cry because I often feel that everyone I want, even as a friend, is out of reach because I am different and limited or don't hear or don’t drive. (Wow, I sound whiny. A friend once told me whiny people were better because it means they can imagine a better life. I really hope I do more than imagine.)

But the "sad" playlist doesn't only have sad songs. It is a playlist for when I am sad, and hopefully the music lifts me out of my funk. Mixed in with James' "Out to get you," is Bonnie Raitt's "Thing called love," which reminds me of good times in college. Next to "Brick" by the Ben Folds Five is "Breakfast at Tiffany's" by Deep Blue Something. (Yes, that dorky song makes me feel better always.)

It is not working yet today. The songs are making me sadder. Friday was a bad day.

We had another meeting yesterday in the awful conference room about the buyouts. Turns out I could technically spend the holidays job hunting because if not enough people take the buyouts they will lay people off staff-wide. I cannot imagine a scenario where I'd be cut, but I don't understand a lot of what management does.

I was late to work, mostly because a stupid other rider was not ready when we showed up to pick her up. And she wound up not even riding with us after all, so we sat there 10 minutes for nothing. Then the GPS all sent the driver off the highway to back roads two or three exits early so that added to my lateness.

It also has gotten quite cold. It is only November and I am freezing. I may be screwed.

Finally, my worst fear is being ignored. It is hard for me if someone says I'll call you or e-mail you later and doesn't. I know rationally there are many valid reasons I might float down someone's to-do list. Emotionally, I feel tossed overboard.

Yesterday, my instant message program was not working. At least I hope it wasn't working. No one responded. I stopped IM'ing because I didn't want someone else to not answer. Rationally, I know it could not have been working right. Emotionally, I was drowning.

And now my "sad" playlist is weighing me down.