I am confused

My eldest nephew is interviewing at colleges right now for next year. He is never far from my thoughts, but today I was thinking a lot about him. You see, one of the guys I was friendlY with in college was buried today. He had a brain tumor.

It's more than the college thing that reminds me of S. When he was little, he came home from school and said to his mom, my sister, something like: You know how your throat hurts when you want to but are trying not to cry? He was watching "Harriet the Spy" and didn't want to tear up in front of his classmates, I guess.

My throat has been raw all day, and the tears still leaked out more than once. I don't fully understand why this death has hurt me so, but I know several reasons:

I forgot to take my antidepressants last night. First, I put it off because I did not have any food within reach and then Claren worried me with some crazy scratching and I forgot. I woke up with a splitting headache and figured out why as soon as I saw the cookies I meant to take with the antidepressants.

I knew I could not survive a day without my dope so I took some in the morning even though you aren't supposed to make up doses. I thought about calling in sick, but didn't want to because it was my own fault I felt bad. Plus, I figured with Advil I could get through work. I probably would have been right until I got the news about the guy from college.

Part of what made it bad is I didn't get the first two e-mails sent to me about his death and the service. I don't know why they did not come -- Yahoo mail is really slipping. If I had gotten them, I would have gone to the service. Attention must be paid to us all, or at least it should.

I have been to funerals of kids, parents who died early, older people who died late. They are all sad, but this death really hit me. I just break when I think how hard this must be for his family and his close friends. I don't think it is because it reminded me of my own mortality -- I am quite aware I could die any day -- so I am not sure what it is.