Matt gets maudlin

"The Breakfast Club" came on last night as I was getting ready to go to bed. I could not stay up and watch it, no matter how harsh Judd Nelson is or how beguiling Ally Sheedy is (she had me when she makes it snow on her picture).

I just watched the opening credits, so I could hear "Don't you forget about me." I know it is a cheesy little song that appeals to high-schoolers, but I couldn't help it; Mom and I were just talking about that very same thing.

I had to work from home yesterday, which make explain some of my sappy "my life sucks" mindset. It is so lonely to work from home. I sit in my backroom, which gets no sun, and stare at a little laptop screen all day. And yesterday, it really was all day. A co-worker called in sick, so I had to fill in for him, too. Also, it was an icy, rainy mess outside, so that also left me feeling a wee bit enclosed because I was pretty stuck.

One of my friends works from home every Friday so she can stay up on Thursday to watch "Lost." I IM'd her yesterday that I hate it and told her why. She replied that she understands but likes to work from home herself.

Maybe I get lonely because I have a big family. My friend doesn't so maybe she is used to being alone. I also wonder if I use my family as a crutch not to make friends because I know my family will always be there.

My friend also has a lot of interaction outside the office, too, so that might be another reason working from home is not bad for her. I suspect she talks to non-family members on a regular basis.

I don't, but I don't give people a lot of time to check in with me, especially those at work. I go to them, in person, by IM or by e-mail. And I do have a few friends who do look in on me; maybe I should just stop this pity party.

But a little more. I came in from my walk with Claren last night, and my answering machine was blinking (yes, I really still have an answering machine, not voicemail). My immediate thought was: How cool would it be if that was not a family member but someone else calling to check on me.

It was my little sister checking in on me. I called Mom first to ask her if I should feel guilty that I wish people I wasn't related to called to check on me. No, I wish that, too, she said. She also said she didn't think I was using the family as a crutch, so I guess if I had no family I'd just be really freaking alone. I hope they know how important they are to me, even M. (HEE, there are more Ms in the family than any other letter).

Then Mom threw me a softball.

She said she thought I would cultivate relationships and get people calling me and call people myself if everything else didn't take so much energy. Preaching to the choir, Ma. I wanted to take a shower after work to wake up, but it is too hard.

The thing that bugs me is that I get nothing for the outlay of this energy, except this often-crummy half-life. Jesus says: "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." How can he even look at me? I am not going to call him a hypocrite, but …